I am so weak. It takes the utmost of my willpower to resist temptation. It is so difficult for me to be in contact with myself. Most of the time I want to be in a daze, too terrified of facing myself, or finding it too much of a drudge. I was this attention seeking guy some time back, which was why I started this blogging stuff and all, so I could floor people with my writing prowess and focus attention on myself. But it was bad. I ended up all awry and had to find my footing again. Haven't found it yet, though I feel I might sometime. It's very difficult, and I do not know what it entails. I wanted to be a rock star at one point in my life. I thought it would make me and keep me happy. Somewhere I knew I was deluding myself, but I ignored that tiny voice and passed my time dreaming thus foolishly. I realise the sort of happiness I aimed for was based on hearsay, and that it was more an escape from my reality; not the immediate physical reality but the reality of myself. Often I've tried to observe myself and I've split myself into two parts: the observer and the observed. The observer would try to impartially observe the other self, but it's difficult to be impartial when the two parts are constantly fusing together and separating, and sometimes have ended up destroying each other. How long can the eyes keep on staring at themselves when they are going blind? However this has happened just once, when I came back from the brink. There is always a defence mechanism. I've ended up losing a close friend. I'm estranged. Whenever I go home I find it difficult to talk with my folks. I find it difficult to connect with people; I've never been close to anyone and I guess I can never be close to anyone. My love has always crumbled away except for once when it was more of madness and based on a vision than on reality. And I wish I could call out in the emptiness at those voices that once talked with me. But I've lost them all and I have no regrets. They went away because they had to, and there was no point in making them stay. They'd only have been distorted if I'd tried to hold them in my hands. But hark! do you hear? someone's calling me!